apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
