i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
