Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
