I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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