I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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