I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
