I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize