the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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