Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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