is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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