I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
