My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
