Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize