Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
