I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
