I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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