I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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