If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
