JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
