dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is my life. Enjoy the view
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
