she woke up with a sticky ear
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
