Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
