I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
