Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
