I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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