I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
sex in a hospital.. check
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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