you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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