You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
