new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
