i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love you.
Bad choice
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