Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize