I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize