i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
