just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
