someone threw a dead crab at me
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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