Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
