Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
