Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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