We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
