if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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