if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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