I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
