In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
