I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
