She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
