between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
