I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
