At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
