Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
