I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
