capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
