You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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