Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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