I am in a vortex of obligation.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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