all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
