Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
