It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
