i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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