she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
