the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
where am i from again
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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