no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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