apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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